Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
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me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Stop correcting my vodkabulary