Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
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Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao