the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
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Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Geez man, take it easy.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Pat is about to own someone
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
🌱🌱🌱
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb