How does one answer this?
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Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
This bar smells like my childhood.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.