My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
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streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
The Compass
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
what’s the point then??
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
3% human
97% stress
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.