Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
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shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”