Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
You Might Also Like
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I mean…but I did
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.