Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
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BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?