I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
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9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away