It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
You Might Also Like
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!