Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
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I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore