Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
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children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
A bold strategy
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.