i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
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F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.