“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
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Wise advice
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
When you’re Kinky but poor
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.