This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
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i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————