[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
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“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”