I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
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Watermelon Boss!
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.