Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
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Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Phones down.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.