Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
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My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
This is painfully accurate 😅
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal