Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
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pep talk
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
cyclists
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”