[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
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My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase