NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
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[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///