friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
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You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.