Spa day..đ
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Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
The look of dismay on my dogâs face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when theyâre chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
TouchĂŠ kid
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Them: how old are you
Me: well letâs see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: Thatâs ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and itâs full of skeletons now
You deplete me
Wife: Iâm leaving you.
Me: is it because Iâm the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, itâs because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Iâm a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I havenât eaten yet.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, âI was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasnât invented yet.â
Sir. đ
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says âbirdwatcher with an anger problemâ and now Iâm wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? iâll keep thinking about it
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
âFlorida is insane.â Bro, we ainât even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
My neighborâs wife put him on a diet so Iâm slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
My purse is deeper than some people.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.