I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
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Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.