[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
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The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
He took my last fry, your honor
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.