Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
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Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
🤣🤣🤣
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*