A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
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My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
🤣🤣🤣
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!