the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
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13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
what does he know…
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Pretty much! 😂👀
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.