When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
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I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Jurassic park gets weird
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Does this dress make me look cat?