Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
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boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Hilarious if literal: arms race
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Sheep
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds