Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
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A duv-egg? In this economy?
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Rambo Rambow
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.