“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
You Might Also Like
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?