Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
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When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.