hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
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I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
this is funnier than any friends episode
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂