I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
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“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Try and stop me.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.