Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Isn’t
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
at ease…shoulder.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?