Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
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Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
No one :
Me when I swimming :
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.