me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
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This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
pizza
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.