You wish you had this many chins.
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At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often