I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
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Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
And that about sums it up.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.