My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
You Might Also Like
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
no regrets
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up