Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
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physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
“How’s your day going?”
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”