Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
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*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
What the hell happened here.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂