therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: π€¦π»ββοΈπ€¦π»ββοΈπ€¦π»ββοΈ
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You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
βYou donβt trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.β
When people say theyβre speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled βNO IT ISNTβ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I donβt like bats. Or 3 year olds.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but itβs not wearing sunglasses
βI could eat.β
-me (right after Iβve eaten)
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. thatβs how u save time. ILYFYB (iβm leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid Iβll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
βAboot a half kilometer up the road.β
βThank you.β
βJust past the Timβs on your left.β
βMuch appreciated.β
βMy pleasure, eh.β
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory