[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
You Might Also Like
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’