Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
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me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.