I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
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“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.