[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
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The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*