FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
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*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Bond. Trauma bond.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.